Thursday, 17 August 2017

Mythica: A Quest For Heroes.

I don't think it's really a secret that I'm a massive Dungeons and Dragons nerd.
I love being a player, I love being a GM, I love reading fantasy novels, looking at monster stat-lines, creating new races, building entire worlds.
It is quite a wondrous thing to be a fan of.
But there's one D&D related thing I don't enjoy.
Watching the movies.
For some reason they just cannot get a good movie done.
Even movies based off of D&D don't do very well. The whole Fantasy genre appears to be mired in a pool of mediocrity.
It doesn't help that they're very cheap to make, so a lot of mediocre film companies will just churn them out to make a quick buck. Just buy some costumes and go film in the woods for a few hours, add some monster in post and BAM, one terrible fantasy movie.
Arrowstorm Entertainment, on the other hand, actually care about making movies that at least have decent plots.
You may remember them from my reviews of Dawn of the Dragonslayer and its' sequel.
So, I present to you Mythica: A Quest For Heroes.
These guys really need to sack whoever keeps doing these.
Okay Arrowstorm, we need to have a serious talk. Can you please, please start making DVD covers that actually relate to the movie?
Two of those three people don't appear in the movie. That dragon doesn't appear in the movie. That castle might appear in the movie, but if it does it's only briefly. She doesn't use swords in the movie. Not even one, let alone two. That skirt isn't even a part of her outfit for crying out loud.
Want to know the most insulting part of this cover though?
Can you spot it?
The actual screenshot they edited for the front cover actually appears on the back cover.
Great job editor, great job.
Luckily, the movie's better than the cover, so let's get straight into it.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Doctor Strange

Can you believe just how far the Marvel Cinematic Universe has come?
It appeared seemingly out of nowhere back in 2008 with Iron Man and blew everybody's minds.
Then Iron Man 2 came out and proved that Marvel Studios weren't just a one hit wonder.
Everything just got bigger and better from there, building up to The Avengers, which smashed cinematic opening records the world over.
Ever since then, Marvel have expanded which properties they're willing to adapt to the big screen. It's not just their biggest names who're getting the limelight anymore, but relative unknowns such as Ant-Man and The Guardians of the Galaxy.
Thus, Marvel have proven that they can turn almost any of their characters into cinematic gold.
So it was only a matter of time before they got around to the Sorcerer Supreme himself, Doctor Strange.
You will see the Doctor now.
I'm super excited about this movie, and not just because of how much I enjoyed it. But also because the Doctor will be dropping by near the end to finally get my soul out of Deadpool's head and into the LMD.
You're excited? Imagine how excited I am to finally be free of you. I've had enough people catching free rides in my brainpan for one lifetime.
Maybe you should have thought of that before you killed me back in the Deadpool review.
How was I supposed to know that you'd come back to haunt me in the Green Lantern review?
Do you think that's enough backstory for the readers to remember what's going on?
Yeah, so let's get into reviewing this movie already.

Friday, 21 April 2017

Suicide Squad

Does any type of movie attract more hate than the bad superhero movie?
There are certainly enough bad movies out there. There have been bad action movies, bad romance movies and a whole glut of bad fantasy movies.
But bad superhero movies tend to stand out and be remembered.
Ask anybody to name a bad fantasy movie and they'll probably list a few so-bad-it's-good movies. But when asked to name bad superhero movies? There's a whole frigging list of unsalvageable atrocities.
I think the problem comes from the fact that they're attempting to take something that's already beloved by millions and transform it into money via moviedom, but without taking any time to understand why it's beloved.Take today's movie, as an example.
Finally one of my favourite DC characters is on film and boy, was it disappointing.
I honestly don't know what this movie was supposed to accomplish. Most of these guys are recurring villains from DC superheroes who haven't even gotten their own movies yet.
But it does have Will Smith, so I was willing to give it a chance.
I should not have done so.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

In all of the aeons of human history, few superhero movies are looked down upon as much as today's. Especially by my co-star.
For good reason.
Indeed. People disliked Batman Forever. People scoffed at Green Lantern. People despised Batman Vs Superman. Spider-Man 3, X-3: The Last Stand, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, all of these caused their series to be rebooted.
But of all the bad superhero movies, this one stands out as being the very worst.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
Either that, or this is a Hugh Jackman workout video.
This movie went wrong at just about every step it could go wrong at.

Thursday, 23 March 2017

Green Lantern (By Deadpool)

I have made a hideous mistake.
Y'see, last week I viciously and hilariously murdered the owner of this blog. He had this whole thing where he didn't think I was the greatest superhero of all time. I know right?
But after killing him (Painfully) I was struck with this strange sensation. Some kind of sense that what I did may not have been the greatest idea. After all, if George is dead, who's going to run this blog?
Me, that's who!
However, that's where the mistake comes in.
Because of what movie I have to review.
Who's that devilishly handsome chap at the front?
Yeah, so I have to review one of the biggest embarrassments of Ryan Reynolds career, and that says a lot considering that he was in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
So let's watch this puppy and fight the urge to pop some bullets into our heads.

Thursday, 9 March 2017


Deadpool used to be my favourite superhero.
This guy.
But in 2016, something occurred that made me re-evaluate and I have to admit, Deadpool is no longer my favourite.
Uhh, excuse me?
How dare you drop me!
Deadpool? What are you doing here? Why are you here?
More importantly, how are you here?
Uh, helloooo? I'm Deadpool? The guy who treats the fourth wall like a urinal? Did you really expect to be able to get away with reviewing MY movie without me showing up to ensure that you stay focused on revelling in the glory that is me?
I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Exactly. Now, would you mind explaining why I'm not your favourite superhero? And you better explain quickly, because I've got a whole clip of ammunition with your name on it.
Well, actually each bullet has the name of one of your various extremities carved into them. "George's Left Pinkie Toe" is my personal favourite but don't let "George's Right Testicle" know, it gets jealous.
Okay, Wade, listen. Let's get through reviewing your movie and I'll explain.
Fine, I'll listen. But just so you know, I'm putting my gun within easily-reachable distance, so don't get any funny ideas.
Let's just get started.

Friday, 3 March 2017

Snow White & The Huntsman

Watching movies is supposed to be something you enjoy.
However, some directors seem to believe otherwise.
They seem to think that their viewers deserve to suffer.
Weren't there supposed to be dwarfs in this movie?
Let's not split hairs. The only reason Kristen Stewart was cast as Snow White in this movie was because she slept with the director. Considering that this was supposed to be a feminist movie, maybe they should have chosen their lead based on something other than 'Who's willing to sleep their way to the top'?
Especially when that 'actress' has only one facial expression. That of having just been smacked in the face with a plank of wood.
In case you couldn't guess, I'm not a fan of Kristen Stewart.
I am, however, a fan of Chris Hemsworth, which is why I decided to buy this movie.