Despicable Me

When it comes to family friendly CGI movies there are two big players. Pixar and Dreamworks, with no real competition. Oh sure, there are other studios, but none have ever really made it big. Mostly due to being terrible (Try watching anything by Blue Sky and you'll see what I mean).

But in 2010 a new player burst onto the scene, Illumination Entertainment.

And despite seemingly coming out of nowhere, they had a massive hit with Despicable Me.

No, the weird yellow person isn't the main character.

As you may be able to tell, a certain breed of little yellow beings stole the show. These guys are called Minions and if you haven't heard of them, can I come and live under your rock?

These guys are everywhere, from duvets to Tic-Tacs.

But dismissing the cash-cow that are the Minions, does the rest of the movie hold up?

Well, there's only one way to find out. Grab your goggles, jump into your overalls and paint your faces yellow, it's time to get despicable.

Dawn of the Dragonslayer 2

I don't know who is designing the DVD covers for this series, but they really need to stop.

Doesn't exactly scream "Quality entertainment".

That two-headed dragon not only looks terribly rendered, but it doesn't even appear in the movie. Instead they re-use the design from the first movie.

Speaking of which, the first movie turned out to be much better than the cover led us to believe. Considering the cover for this film is even worse than the original, can this movie follow it's predecessor and deliver something enjoyable?

Well, let's begin the review and find out.

Dawn of the Dragonslayer

I have a bit of a confession to make.

When I first started this blog my intent was to simply review every DVD that I owned at the time, in alphabetical order.

However, since then I've found that I enjoy reviewing bad movies slightly more than I enjoy reviewing good movies.

As such I've gotten into the habit of buying movies that look like they would be bad. Chanbara Striptease, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the Dark Knight being prime examples of this philosophy. bad movies that make for good reviews.

And that explains how I came to possess this particular movie.

Look at the dragon's face.

So after buying it (In a double pack with the sequel) I sat down and watched it.

But it turned out to be actually pretty good.

It's no Lord of the Rings, but then it had about 0.01% of the budget.

But for what it is and what resources they had, it's entertaining.

So, let's begin.

Dark Shadows

Everyone knows that Twilight ruined vampires for everyone. It turned these ancient blood-sucking terrors of the night into overly-emotional boyband wannabes that sparkle.

Surely legendary film director Tim Burton can bring some respect back to these once-feared prowlers of the dark?

It seems like a match made in heaven. Burton's love of Gothic sets and gloomy method of storytelling should gel perfectly with Nosferatu.

Turns out no.

Instead, it's just plain boring.

AKA Johnny Depp: The movie.

How did this happen? How did this seemingly perfect combination go so wrong?

The Dark Knight: Part 2

Welcome back to my ongoing review of The Dark Knight.

Let's review what we learned during the last half of the movie.

We learned that Batman hates buildings.

The police of Gotham are stupid.

The criminals of Gotham are stupid.

The citizens of Gotham are stupid.

And we learned that the Joker's plans are incredibly unfeasible, but the universe wants him to seem threatening so they work out anyway.

The Dark Knight: Part 1

I believe I mentioned that I did not enjoy Batman Begins.

As such, for a very long time I refused to watch any more of the new Batman movies, reasoning that since I didn't like the first I would be unlikely to enjoy the rest.

However, enough people kept telling me that the second movie fixed all of the problems of the first that I have relented. I have now seen The Dark Knight.

It was worse.

Just in case you thought the previous film wasn't symbolic enough.

All of the things I hated about the first movie are still here and as an extra bonus they've been joined by a whole host of new things to hate.

Starting with a certain green-haired clown.

Coraline

I'm going to be fully honest and admit that I might be a little biased with this movie.

And not just because of how much I love stop motion.

This was actually the very first thing I ever watched in HD. On a 50" HDTV.

It was glorious.

But this blog is about the DVD version, so now that I've had HD for a few years, was it really that amazing?

Cop Out

Who doesn't love Bruce Willis?

He's one of America's most beloved action heroes, his breakout movie single-handedly redefined the action genre.

Well, according to the internet, practically everyone who's ever worked with him.

And especially the people who worked on this movie.

Fitting name really.

By all accounts, this movie is terrible. With only a 19% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, it just can't be any good can it?

Well, let's see.

Con Air

Nicholas Cage should be listed as one of America's national treasures.

There's no movie that can't be improved upon by having Nicholas Cage in the lead role.

One of those movies that did put him in the lead role is Con Air.

AKA: Crooks on a plane.

Sadly, this movie does not contain a 'Nicholas Cage freak-out', but it does include John Malkovich, so it balances out.

City Hunter

I believe I have previously mentioned that I am a fan of Jackie Chan.

I don't think I've yet mentioned my liking of Anime (Although I could be wrong).

So what happens when you combine two of my favourite things?

You get the Jackie Chan cartoon series, but a close second would be a movie called City Hunter.

Back when Jackie Chan was considered handsome.

This movie is essentially Under Siege if directed by Mel Brooks.

Chronicles Of Riddick

I am a massive fan of science fiction. However, I am not a fan of horror movies. Especially not sci-fi horror movies, like Alien or Species.

So when Pitch Black came out, I was rather skeptical of it.

I was pleasantly surprised.

And then the sequel came out.

Anyone else reminded of Drax the Destroyer?

And this film made the very rare decision to shift the genre, from sci-fi horror to sci-fi fantasy.

And a lot of fans didn't like it.

So, let's review.

Chocolate

Before we get started, I wish to point out that I am not an expert in autism.

However, I have consulted with someone who is and she has informed me that the particular form of autism shown in this movie is indeed plausible.

That having been said, this is Chocolate.

Seriously, this is really about autism.

Oh, and it's also about martial arts too.

Fifty Shades Of Grey

I have nothing against romantic movies. I think it's very important that I point that out. I actually rather enjoy them, when they're done well.

Twilight was not done well.

When Twilight was first released I hated and despised it. And yes, I did try to read it. I did not enjoy even one second of it. But I'm a great believer in letting bygones be bygones and if people wish to enjoy it, so be it. All I could do was point out the bits that were abusive and leave them to it.

But then this steaming pile of horseshit came out.

I couldn't find a decent pic of the DVD cover online.

And it sold better than proverbial hotcakes. I am still baffled as to why. It's Twilight with the serial numbers filed off. And sex added in.

If you wanted to read that, why not just go find some fanfiction?

Then you could have gotten this story for free.

Enough ranting, I've got a movie to get through.

Chinese Zodiac

Quick synopsis for this movie.

Jackie Chan goes globetrotting to find artifacts based on the Chinese Zodiac.

No, this isn't his cartoon series, this is a movie imaginatively titled Chinese Zodiac.

Whoever designed the DVD cover needs to be sacked.

This isn't just any Jackie Chan movie though, this one was made with a message in mind.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Roald Dahl is one of history's most famous children's authors, whose works have entertained millions of children through the ages. With such classics as The Witches, the Twits and the BFG, his stories have stood the test of time so well that it's almost impossible to find someone who doesn't enjoy his works.

I say almost impossible, because I can't stand the guy.

Seriously, his stories would be traumatising if given a straight adaptation. In the Witches for example, the titular witches are shapeshifters who pretend to be teachers so that they can literally eat children.

Yeah, enjoy the nightmares.

Luckily, when it comes to film adaptations, the producers and directors had a tendency to completely ignore anything Roald said and do things their own way, which gave us the simply brilliant Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, starring Gene Wilder.

This was a great movie which is a part of every child's life, instilling in them a sense of wonder, and a few life lessons along the way.

Skip to 2005 and Warner Brothers decided to do things a tad differently, using the hottest star of the moment, Johnny Depp.

And by 'Differently' I mean 'Terribly'.

Johnny Depp: The Movie

Why do I hate this movie so much? Well, let me explain, and I'll try to avoid doing any comparisons to Gene Wilder.

Chanbara Striptease

This is not a joke. There really is a movie called Chanbara Striptease and I really do own it on DVD.

And yet, it's not porn. I'm disappointed.

If it had been porn, it would have been forgivable. At least then it would have had a purpose. And been bearable.

In case you couldn't guess, I didn't enjoy this movie.

Let me explain why.

The Breakfast Club

Don't you just hate teen movies? The cliched characters that always fit into pre-established stereotypes?

Well I do. I can't think of anything more droll. If only someone would make a movie about how worthless these labels are and encourage people to look deeper. And they should make one soon.

Is 30 years ago soon enough?

This movie is a classic. It takes school movie cliches and inspects them carefully, examining exactly how characters such as these would be created in the real world.

And it does it in a way that allows almost anyone watching it to identify with it.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Rowan Atkinson is one of the greatest actors that has ever lived.

Although it's Tony Robinson who got knighted

Most famous for playing Mister Bean his face is synonymous with bumbling idiocy. Personally I could never get into that show. Probably because the first show I ever saw him in was 'Blackadder Goes Forth', where he played a suave, intelligent army Captain during the second world war.

But before that series was made came this special, which attempts to retell the Dickensian classic but balls it up by letting Baldrick tag along.

The Big Country

Question: How many people consider themselves to be a gentleman?

And what does it mean to actually be one? What ideals should you follow and how should you conduct yourself?

The answers seem pretty obvious. I like to think of myself as a gentleman and I try to hold myself to a high standard of conduct.

But this movie really shows it it means to be a gentleman.

It's the 1958 classic, The Big Country.

Batman Begins

I do not understand America's obsession with Batman.

Is it symbolic enough?

The guy is practically the definition of boring invincible hero. He knows every martial arts, is an expert in biochemistry, world's greatest detective, best weapons designer and can hack literally any computer system.

Also, his bat-belt has a bat-gadget for every bat-situation.

Don't get me wrong though, I do enjoy some Batman stories. The Justice League cartoon did a great job balancing him against the super-powered heroes. And the 'The Batman' cartoon was simply amazing.

Especially when Batgirl showed up

But at his core, Batman is rather silly. He's a guy who uses his billions of dollars to dress up as a bat and scare petty criminals.

It can work, but it has to be handled carefully.

This movie does not do that.

Basil The Great Mouse Detective

For a time through the late Seventies and most of the Eighties, Disney was obsessed with animals. Most of the Disney Animated Canon during this time were either movies about animals or anthro version of other stories (Such as Robin Hood). One of these was Basil the great mouse detective.

Obviously based on Poirot

Released in 1986 this movie saved Disney's animation studio following the debacle that was the Black Cauldron.

But is is actually any good? Or was it simply not terrible?

Personally I think it wasn't very good. 

Bangkok Ninjas

I cannot remember when or where I picked this movie up, but I believe I received it for free.

And yet it looks so exciting

I don't normally bother talking about the covers, but this deserves a breakdown. For starters, none of those weapons appear in the movie. Not only is it a photoshop but it's a very bad one. Look at Ponytail's weapons.

I don't think that's how you're meant to hold those

He looks just as perplexed about them as I am. Did he duct tape them to the back of his hands so that he can still Tweet about it?

Alice In Wonderland

Reviewing this movie posed some degree of difficulty.

Johnny Depp: The Movie

I have heard that many people dislike this movie. Personally I love it. I never get tired of watching Johnny Depp. However, he's often accused of stealing the show from the main character. I won't argue against that.
But wasn't that the point of the original novel?
There are many theories about what Lewis Carroll intended when he first wrote 'Alice's Adventures In Wonderland'. The most popular theory is that he was mocking the ridiculousness of Quantum Theory. Essentially the entire story was one long Schroedinger's cat metaphor.
But more importantly, when read with a critical eye, an under-running theme from the book is misery. Every character is miserable, despite how weird and fun their world may seem, actually living there is unbearable.
And Alice is just the viewpoint. In the book she never did anything proactive, she just reacted to the craziness around her.
I could analyse the book for multiple paragraphs, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to watch the movie.
So let's get started.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls!

1994-95 was a busy time for Jim Carrey. In 1994 he starred in Ace Ventura, The Mask and Dumb and Dumber. Then in 1995 he was the Riddler in Batman Forever. As such it only made sense for him to reprise his star-making role as Ace Ventura.

This was a mistake.

When jumping the shark just isn't enough

This movie was so bad that Jim Carrey refused to ever reprise a role for almost 20 years. But what could possibly be so bad about it? The first movie was a success and as I pointed out last week, it was pure genius in disguise.

Let's just see shall we?

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is one of my favourite movies.

Back before Courtney Cox was famous enough to be on posters

However, something struck me when watching the movie for this review. Ace himself is a bit of a jerk. But it's not his fault. He is quite clearly suffering from depression. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, sit down, buckle up and prepare for a wild ride as I review this bad boy.

300: Rise of an Empire

300: Rise of an Empire is not a good movie. But it's not really a bad movie either.

Pictured: A neither good nor bad movie

It's certainly better than its predecessor, but that's not exactly a high bar to set. So let's look at this film piece by piece and compare the good versus the bad.

300

300 is not a good movie.

In fact, I'd be willing to go so far as to call this a bad movie. Although I don't think the word bad quite covers it. Neither do the words terrible, horrendous or even atrocious. There needs to exist a word that combines all of the attributes of the previous words into just one word. I'll come back to that later, for now let's just get through this movie shall we?